Off-Topic Self Confidence

[SimplicityIsKing]

Hello Everybody,

Does anyone have any advice on having confidence? I often find myself feeling down about myself and I compare myself to others often. Sometimes I feel like I'm fat and ugly. I also look at myself often in mirrors.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you!

 

[Matts]

one suggestion might be to look at those behaviors as habits and try to catch yourself doing them in real time and substitute a positive thought or affirmation instead of negatively comparing or putting yourself down. Begin with small steps. Accomplishment is also a good thing- set small, realistic goals, accomplish them, and feel good about it. If you don't accomplish them, analyze why, then try again.

 

[pet']

Hello,

Does anyone have any advice on having confidence?

Do not compare yourself to the others. Focus on what you are good at. If someone does something you can, and if this "something" interest you, then simply consider it as a motivation source.

Kind regards,

Pet'

 

[Pavel Macek]

A man in a life crisis came to a Rabbi for advice. Rabbi wrote something on 2 pieces of paper, gave them to the man, and said:

"Put this one in the right pocket - and whenever you feel down, read it."
"Put the other piece of paper in your left pocket - and whenever you are on the top, king of the world, read it."

The paper in the right pocket said: The world was created for you.

The other one, in the leg pocket, said: You are just ash and dust.

 

[damogari]

I often find myself feeling down about myself and I compare myself to others often.

I had this problem too. I don't know is this a good way to go, but I what worked for me is to compare myself and see my progress only in reference to past myself. Everyone is different, has different resources and environment. Many things are dependent only on you, your strong will, skills and discipline. It make no sense to compare himself to others.

 

[pet']

Hello,

The key thing is to be happy with what we have, even if it does not necessarily implies not wanting more. Some motivation is good.

Kind regards,

Pet'

 

[SimplicityIsKing]

Thank you everybody.

 

[Zack]

We all have these thoughts. It's normal.
It may help to meditate on your personal vision/values and begin to identify how you can live in better accordance with them.

If you're a reader, check out The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.

To your strength!

 

[North Coast Miller]

+1 To the above and others, we all have these thoughts and feelings to some degree. Many people take medication for help with this sort of thing, and while exercise helps, nothing is going to eliminate it - sort of the shadow we cast from our existence.

I myself have mood swings and used to have issues with my temper as well. Breath meditation did more for me than anything else. It isn't easy to grasp that more thinking (right thinking, positive thinking, etc) sometimes isn't the answer. Less thinking, more feeling - awareness without connections - allows me to get a real break from my own mind. Your mind is not always on your side. The ability to dial it back is a huge relief.

When that low feeling comes back, instead of "I feel like garbage" or " I am a screw-up again!", is more like "I am aware of a crappy feeling that I'm feeling", I am aware of feeling a feeling that I am screwing up again". It makes it easier to get a less murky view of these feelings, a little distance.

Sometimes we feel lousy or like we're screwing up for an actual reason and that reason needs to be addressed. More often we feel that way due to external influences our mind has hooked on to that have little to do with the facts of our own existence. Either way, when it gets too tight it ruins our perspective/prevents us from either making beneficial changes or recognizing we're already at a good place in respect to whatever the concern is.

Life is tough, none of us asked to be here. We live in a world of people whose thoughts, behaviors, etc etc run an impossibly wide gamut with many of them being negative or outright harmful to very healthy and overall beneficial. You are right in the mix with everybody else, don't take crap from anybody including (and especially) yourself.

 

[Gronk87]

Just my two cents. Don't compare against others, but yourself. Just try to improve your yesterday's performance at any level. Also, write down your daily challenges/tasks no matter how small they seem. Let me put an example: some months ago, I was unemployed and got up really late; let's say noon.
Now, I work at 5000 miles from my home, family and friends. I wake up daily at 6.30am. And guess what, I take it for granted, and that's a mistake. That's why I keep a small notebook close to my bed where I write down every important task I have to do for the next day. Getting up early is always there to remind myself. So I can tell you I am proud of doing so nowadays, because there were some dark times in the past where I didn't feel that way.
Small victories like those builds your confidence and self steem, the tricky thing is those are ONLY grown on actual experiences.

Another silly example, in the past I paid my gym monthly without steeping a foot on it for MONTHS. Now I work out 4-6 times per week, I value that and I am not hard on myself when a days goes by without going there. Of course working out is in my notebook too daily

When staring in front of a mirror, don't look at your fat. Look at your eyes and build your confidence from there.

 

[Stuart Elliott]

Check out The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters, it's a great book for mind management. It helped me over come a lot of anxiety that had built up through stress. You can only do your best and no more, if you try your best you've succeeded, no matter what anyone else says or does.

 

[coachnathanwhite]

@SimplicityIsKing I could just suggest, "don't compare yourself to others", but that doesn't mean anything. What you need is a daily process to break free from the negative self talk you have been "practicing." It's time to create new positive practices, which will eventually become your new positive habits.

Here are a few places where you may begin:

1) Keep a daily gratitude journal where you can practice writing down the things in life you are grateful for.

2) Do not rely on motivation. Instead rely on your environment. Surround yourself with positive people and mentors. This can be in person and / or online such as right here on the SF Forum.

3) Train with a workout partner that has your same goals in mind. Training together will get the focus off of yourself, support your confidence and hold each other more accountable.

4) Focus and decide what is within your control to identify your habit "triggers." If your confidence takes a nose dive when reading fitness magazines, then avoid reading them. If you are intimidated by mirrors at the gym, find an area with no mirrors to train. Shape your environment to set you up for success.

 

[apa]

Being very good at a subject, a profession, gives you a sense of accomplishment. A purpose. A goal you work hard towards. Training helps too, you become stronger, leaner, better than you were last year this time.

A professional electrician (for example) can take pride in his work because he knows how to do it right. He understands the subject and can guide other people if they need help. He is confident in his ability to get the job done. His skills are valuable. Therefore he is self-confident.
Hope this helps, just my opinion on the subject.

this video is great though.

 

[Kettlebelephant]

Here are a few places where you may begin:

1) Keep a daily gratitude journal where you can practice writing down the things in life you are grateful for.

2) Do not rely on motivation. Instead rely on your environment. Surround yourself with positive people and mentors. This can be in person and / or online such as right here on the SF Forum.

3) Train with a workout partner that has your same goals in mind. Training together will get the focus off of yourself, support your confidence and hold each other more accountable.

4) Focus and decide what is within your control to identify your habit "triggers." If your confidence takes a nose dive when reading fitness magazines, then avoid reading them. If you are intimidated by mirrors at the gym, find an area with no mirrors to train. Shape your environment to set you up for success.

I like those and would like to add...

5) Regularly do something that you've never done before. Can be little things like talking to a stranger while waiting for the bus, eating a certain fruit, etc. Afterwards write them down, e.g. in the journal mentionend in point 1.

Trying new things, especially things that require social interaction boost confidence.

 

[SimplicityIsKing]

Thanks everybody again for your help and support.

When staring in front of a mirror, don't look at your fat. Look at your eyes and build your confidence from there. -- Gronk87

That really hit home with me.

 

[Questionfear]

A man in a life crisis came to a Rabbi for advice. Rabbi wrote something on 2 pieces of paper, gave them to the man, and said:

"Put this one in the right pocket - and whenever you feel down, read it."
"Put the other piece of paper in your left pocket - and whenever you are on the top, king of the world, read it."

The paper in the right pocket said: The world was created for you.

The other one, in the leg pocket, said: You are just ash and dust.

This is awesome. I have heard a similar parable, but both notes said "this too shall pass"...

 

[Harald Motz]

Looking at your log, you are doing many things right. You are practicing simple and sinister, and reflect on that. Trust in it, stay with it, you will learn a lot from it not the least about yourself. You will be gaining faith from it by "only" trusting and practicing it. Your "mirror-picture" will reflect that. Just keep on it for some time and then some more. You have your instant gratification on how you feel after practice and you will, I am sure, have a what the hell long term grat.

 

[Mark423]

This is a great thread. Nate's concrete steps are awesome.

1. A gratitude list is the best way to get me out of my self-pity/self-contempt.

2. Relying on and creating an environment rather than relying on motivation is genius. Positive people and mentors are huge - but I also need to be sure that the things with which I surround myself are conducive to positivity - buying flowers for my table for example. Simple small concrete actions with which we remind ourselves that we are worthwhile can go very far toward validating our self worth.

3. Training with a partner or in a community is an absolute game changer. I have missed only two practices since 2014 when my partner and I started to do it together (and our circumstances are such that we are only able to physically practice together 3 out of twelve times in any fortnight.)

4. Focusing on what is in my circle of influence (rather than my circle of concern) is a huge game-changer for me.

5. Doing new things outside our comfort zone is a great way to again affirm our humanity and its awesome potential. Kettlebellephant

North Coast Miller brought up meditation - I could not agree more. the opportunity to ground with something outside my ego immediately diminishes anxiety and creates confidence.

I would make a few additions -

6. Swallow a frog first thing in the morning - This is something Mark Twain suggested - because once he swallowed the frog - everything else in his day was likely to be more pleasurable. To me this translates to doing the things I want to do least first thing as then they will only consume the time it takes to get them done and not the hours worrying about these tasks while I allegedly do something more pleasurable. An ice cold shower works for me here on the physical side for instance.

7. Develop and write daily affirmations. My mind is going to be working anyway, why not give it some good things to think on.

8. Be cognizant of the fact that I can start my day over at any time. This is as simple as just taking a minute or two to reflect that I am going in a direction I don't want to with my mind and simply ask for the strength to reverse course. "I may not be able to control which way the wind is blowing, but I can always adjust my sails."

9. Have fun - a good belly laugh is often the best medicine. it makes me forget myself. I make sure to watch a comedy before I go to sleep. Always makes my dreams happier.

10. Honor my sleep - it is impossible for me to be confident if I am not reasonably rested. Sleep is for me even more important for emotional and spiritual recovery than it is for physical recovery.

11. Don't take myself too damn seriously - laughing at myself is an amazing way to defuse that critical ego that is always lurking there to be critical and tear me down and call me a piece of crap.

12. Read and incorporate the book by Stephen Covey called, "the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." This is an amazing amalgamation of brilliant thinking by a man who spent 25 years as a management consultant before he even sat down to write the book. It is a classic and when I am proactive, begin with the end in mind, put first things first, think win/win, seek first to understand, synergize, and sharpen the saw - I have all the confidence I need.

Once again - thanks to all in this community for your generosity and authenticity. There are some great pieces of wisdom here.

 

[kiwipete]

@SimplicityIsKing

I know how you feel. I have had my own issues in the past and plenty now, as I'm sure most people have too.

It sounds silly but I think the behaviours you are describing are a skill - a skill that people teach themselves to do because it has a 'pay-off' i.e. it gives you a sense of protection, safety, comfort.

At least that's what I've seen in myself. Nowadays when I have negative thoughts I question them and replace them with a positive one about myself.

Everyday I have a journal which I use to reflect on the positive things in MY life that I am grateful for and I also reflect on the direction I want to go in that day and the next.

Most of all... 100% respect to you for acknowledging how you feel and how what you are doing is no longer working for you - this is truly the first step to meaningful change. Power to you my friend

 

[elli]

Hello Everybody,

Does anyone have any advice on having confidence? I often find myself feeling down about myself and I compare myself to others often. Sometimes I feel like I'm fat and ugly. I also look at myself often in mirrors.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you!

I have not read all of the other good advices and warm words and I am sure there is nothing smart left to add.
So here is sth about me ten years ago: I started crying (e.g. when shopping - in public!) because of my "fat" arms, have never worn a tank tops. I felt like a big fat chubby whale although I have always been in the range of "normal" weight. ..consequences? I developed a form of anorexia.
Thinking back I cannot apologize enough to my body, how I treated and hurt myself bynot loving me. One of the most important things was to forgive me - I love food, but I loved sports and being active maybe too much. It took a long time to find a balnce and to see the reasons for my destructive habits.
Today, if I look in the mirror and see my arms, they show how strong I am. I just do not consider them fat anymore. My body recovered from all the bad habits. I have to be more than thankful for that. I have gained ~ 13 kg. Hello, there're boobs and butt again!
Be kind to yourself, if you do not love you, who else should?