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Off-Topic So, life has happened...

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Harry Westgate

Harry Westgate

Level 6 Valued Member
Certified Instructor
Hello everyone,

I felt like I needed a thread to vent after a few things haven't exactly gone my way over the last couple of months, affecting not only my training, but various facets of life, should anyone care to give it a read.


I'm a 20 year old university student studying psychology in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England. I'm coming up to the end of my second year of a three year course.

I began to feel a few months ago that university wasn't really for me at the time, some days feeling like dropping out, then some days, feeling on top of the world about everything. I couldn't think to myself what the real cause of my feelings was. Was I genuinely dissatisfied with university? Did I feel my time would be better spent in other endeavours? Was I just lazy and unmotivated?

The thing was that what I felt I wanted out of life seemed to change on a minute-to-minute basis, and my mood would fluctuate between being erratically happy and unbelievably depressed at the same rate, often without a trigger and with no way of predicting how I'd be feeling at any given point in the future.

Naturally, this rapid and unpredictable fluctuation in mood has had a negative impact on various aspects of my life, not least of which was my studies. However, it's hard to explain, but it was as if I didn't realise these fluctuations were occurring in myself, and so I figured that my studies must have been suffering because I was in the wrong place. That's right, I must have not belonged at university, I needed to drop out, find a better outlet, just something to get me out of this rut!

I'd had an interest in the military when I was younger (maybe 15-16), and after looking into it I figured that it may be something that I would be better suited to than the student life (I started a thread under the Bodyweight section of the forum asking for training advice some time ago), as well as something to shake me out of a bad place. Misguided logic? Perhaps. I know there might be members of this forum who might think that this was a very rash mindset, but did that mean in itself that the military wasn't for me? Perhaps not. I thought that if I started an Army application, the joining process would take at least as long as it would take me to complete my second year, so I thought I'd ride it out and see what happened, with a view to drop out after second year to join the Army.

However, it wasn't until my boxing coach (I box for the university team and so see him regularly), came to me having noticed changes in my behaviour and said that I clearly had issues that needed resolving, and upon a figurative look in the mirror, I realised that I really wasn't myself. I was struggling, I couldn't figure out who I was or what I was supposed to be doing, and that my physical training (much of which I owe to StrongFirst), just wasn't providing the same outlet or release that it used to.

I finally accepted that I needed some form of mental health support, and figured that making any kind of dramatic life changes as a result of my negative mindset wouldn't do me any favours in the long term. I had to nip the problem in the bud before figuring out what to do long term. With a mindset like this, I was in no state to join the Army. Maybe one day. Maybe. But certainly not yet.

To complicate matters more, two weeks ago I had to have surgery done on my tailbone in order to have a cyst removed, which has left me with a wound that requires daily redressing by a nurse and is expected to take months to heal. Not to mention being incredibly painful and leaving me unable to do much in the way of physical activity (just walking is pretty painful).

This left me feeling as though my mind had been broken, and now my body - in as much as I could no longer have any physical activity to let of steam; steam which was only there due to what was going on in my head. This meant that I was stressed regarding my psychological wellbeing, but I couldn't let off steam physically, which left me more stressed. Great. This is all baring in mind that I'm right in the middle of my exam period at university.

This brings me to the present day.

I've spoken about all these issues very much in the past tense but in reality I'm still not much closer to solving my problems. However, I've spoken to a mental health practitioner, trying to get to the route of the psychological issues, started a course of medication to stabilise my mood, and the physical recovery has begun, slowly but surely.

As such, now it's just a case of getting back on the horse and figuring out where my destiny lies. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that no matter what happens, life just keeps moving, there's no pause button while you get your head straight, or whatever it is you're dealing with.

You just have to keep up however you can, and work out what your calling is.


Thanks to anyone who read the whole story, and I apologise for the somewhat depressing nature of the thread. I've come to realise that while we can train to become strong of body, sometimes extra attention is required to ensure that we are also strong of mind. This is something that perhaps I have failed at, but I intend to improve upon.

Onwards and upwards!
 
You have survived 100% of your worst days.

Just be glad you're going through these struggles when you're 20 and not 30 or 40.

Coming from someone that suffers from severe anxiety and off and on depression.
 
Harry Westgate said:
You just have to keep up however you can, and work out what your calling is.
Click to expand...

Yes. I've known a few family and friends who have had bouts with mental issues. Some required clinical intervention, some did not, some probably should have but didn't. Again, that is phrased in the past tense, but it doesn't mean it's in the past. As long as you can be honest enough with yourself to identify what you need to do and what help you need to get, you will move through this period of your life and on to the next a stronger and wiser person.

For what it's worth, once you've attained a certain level of fitness, it has been showed over and over, both anecdotally and in research, that you can reach that level again relatively quickly if you have to take an extended break from training. I know that's one of those things that's easy to understand but hard to really "believe" until you've experienced it... It might not be a bad time to take up a breathing practice, or focus your energy on acquiring some other useful skill that will carry over to future training.
 
Harry, good you realize what the situation is. If it's any comfort, almost everyone goes through these times. The ticket is to not do anything off the handle or make things worse. School's always good, it's only a year, and it preserves and enlarges options for you. good to cut exercise to a good "maintenance" level and let everything regenerate. Sounds like your coach is a good guy for you; you're lucky with that. Military is a high calling-- not a place for refuge. When you feel better, you can go in if you determine that's your path for the proper reasons. In the meantime, this is just like a few rounds in a boxing match where you have to trim back and go defensive so you can try to regroup energy for later rounds. Life has a lot of seasons, this is just one of them. Treat it right and you'll come back with clarity, feel great again, and move on.
 
Introspection can run in circles sometimes, especially at your time in life. Your analysis is good... try to let it go, and just BE, sometimes. You have a lot going for you, that is clear. Hang in! Glad to have you here, Harry. Hope the way is clear for you soon.
 
*** the below might be completely off the mark, and completely unsolicited advice, in which case please ignore it! Also I only speak from personal experience, so do not take this as solid medical advice, obviously ***

you did the best thing you can do, seek help, and accept that you have an issue! They say acceptance is the first step to recovery, and it is true

You say there is no pause button, but in fact that is one of the things that actually makes it worse... There always IS a pause button, you just have to accept that you don't have to do everything at once, and even if life moves on that doesn't mean you have to react to all of it!
Easier said than done, I know

Not sure about you, but the worst thing are the constant voices in the mind that stress you out, either thinking about the past (complete waste of time, you can't change it anyway, learn and move on), or much worse, thinking about the future!
That might sound strange, but most of the time we make up ideas about what the future will look like, and then stress about it (either negatively or positively depending on the phase you're in, but it doesn't matter). What's important is to realize that all of these thoughts are a pure figment of your imagination, we do not know what the future will be, so thinking (I don't mean planning, but actually imagining scenarios and then excessively thinking about it) about those ideas is a waste of time, and actually is very destructive.

Think about that for a minute... whatever you stress about in your future has not happened yet, and will not happen the way you think about it!
Once you get that it is the most liberating thing you will ever realize

Many people are compulsive (almost obsessive) thinkers, with a constantly active mind, which makes it impossible to actually experience the world around you. Standard advice is to stop thinking and experience the moment you are in, but nobody ever tells you how to do that...

if this applies to you, there are 2 initial steps you can try:

* when you catch yourself stressing out about something (kind of feels like waking up and wondering how you got to this place, and you catch yourself thinking excessively and wondering why), just listen to your thoughts, don't judge (that's another source of stress), just listen to what it is you're thinking.
Pretend to stand beside your mind, let your thoughts run, and observe them, without judging! Just become aware of your thoughts, and the fact that your mind is very active in fact at that moment.
That will do 2 things, first it will make you aware of actually compulsively thinking (the waking up feeling), and it will usually calm your mind again, and maybe even empty it (next point below).
Try to find out why you are in this mood (again don't judge, just listen to your mind), what your thoughts are, just become aware of your mind and that is is but a part of your full experience
This sounds weird, but you actually CAN observe your own thinking! With a bit of practice this becomes second nature and you become much more aware of your thoughts and don't get lost in them so much.

* sometimes you will have a feeling of a completely empty quiet mind with no thoughts at all, try to prolong that as much as possible!
This is actually the best thing you can practice, just try to prolong that empty quiet mind without a thought! Hard to say how as everyone is different, but once you get it you'll know how to keep it up!
When you hear yourself starting fretting again (again, observe, don't judge), empty your mind, focus on something else (your surroundings, sounds of your footsteps, feeling of the chair your sitting in, whatever, just focus on where you are and that moment). When you catch yourself thinking again try to nudge yourself into an empty mind, and if that doesn't work, just listen to your thoughts passively as in point one, and move on

remember, whatever thoughts you have about the future are a construct of your imagination, don't spend time stressing about it! Focus on your present!
Easy to say hard to do, but the 2 steps above help achieve that

Alright, long answer which probably is all rubbish to you, but you have found a very good supportive community here, so keep it up!
 
Excellent post Claude !

The longer winded one 2 post above that is.

In some respects it's like we've been shortchanged at school. We get these incredible minds that don't come with a users manual. They are capable of many amazing things.

If I could add anything to Claude's post above it would be an analogy I read somewhere when I was much younger. It went something like this.

Our mind is like a monkey in a fruit shop, if we don't guide it to where we want it to go it will bound around willy nilly responding to any stimuli that catches it's attention.

If you do what Claude said about observing your thoughts for a while you will start to notice thought patterns that begin the process that drags you into a downward spiral . Often just recognizing those thoughts when they begin can be enough for you to take evasive action and guide your thoughts somewhere else.
 
As someone who's dealt/dealing with anxiety and depression (which are really 2 sides of the same coin), I can tell you the 2 things that help me most.

1. Meditation - mindfulness meditation specifically, which is pretty much what Cluade described, being in the moment and observing your thoughts. I do just 10 mins a day.

2. Exercise - doesn't matter what type, but keeping to a routine even was feeling like you don't want to will help. I always feel better, more clear headed, and positive after an exercise session.

Obviously, listen to your therapist, work though the issues with him/her, do the mental exercises they suggest, etc. There's no quick fix, but consistency with meditation and exercise have helped me.

The fact that you recognized the issue before it consumed you makes me sure you'll get through this.
 
SeanC said:
1. Meditation - mindfulness meditation specifically, which is pretty much what Cluade described, being in the moment and observing your thoughts. I do just 10 mins a day.
Click to expand...
And if you can't manage even that, then do what @SeanC describes while walking or riding on public transportation, etc. - get rid of the earphones and just start to notice your own brain chatter.

-S-
 
+1 for meditation and exercise. Massive. Learn to do them *especially* when you don't feel like it. It's the only way I can survive in my current adventure. Without these habits I'd have quit long ago.

I'll add a couple ideas that have been big breakthroughs in my life:

1) The Idea that one should "know what to do with their life". I think causes a lot of unfounded pressure. Congrats on stepping back and taking a moment. I grew up with the propaganda that you find a career and do it your whole life. I remembered my mind being blown away hearing about my grandfathers many many jobs the ought his life. To name a few, He was a farmer, was in the navy, worked on a railroad, dug graves, was a nation wide traveling technician for a large company, real estate investor... I'm not sure he even got to everything. The point is almost no ones life is linear, so you don't have to know where you are going.

2) Another helpful thought is that people who take the effort and consistent action to get better in any field recognize each other becuase they develop similarly becuase the process of doing something difficult and worthwhile is similar. The skills transfer big time. So do something whole heartedly, do your best, go really deep. And if it doesn't turn out to be right for you, (or as is more common - it starts our right, but you change) then just plan a change. I say plan a change because leaving something unexpectedly can hurt the people involved, but everyone respects a change in which you do your best to wrap up and pass things on to the next person. The best part is now you can proceed with knowledge about what parts you loved, and what parts you didn't in whole heartedly giving yourself to the next mission.

3) Studying psychology, you may be able to do a lot with this thought: Be intentional and strategic about where you place you identity. I call this "The Circle". Imagine all the things about you spread out in a circle, with the crucial things in the center and the least important things at the edge. In the center is the conscious flame of your awareness, close by are your deepest held beliefs and morals. On the edge far out, might be a preference for orange Kool-Aid over cherry. Somewhere within this circle we all draw another smaller circle and say “this is me and these things don’t change.” The tighter you draw that circle, and the more things you put outside of it, and allow to change, in service what is inside, the more power you have.

Life is the process of finding out.
Best,
Travis
 
As a Newcastle graduate I'd recommend a walk in Jesmond dene from the top down to the shoe tree at the bottom of Heaton park. Don't know why but it always lifted my spirits on a rainy miserable day :)
 
Hi Harry,

I'm currently a student as well and I question whether it was the right decision to go to university as well. Like you, I've only got a year to go. The way I look at it is it is only a year out of my life for a degree that could be potentially emotionally rewarding as well as financially rewarding. My advice would be to finish your degree and then reevaluate what you want to do with your life after you finish your degree - you have plenty of time.

As for your physical training, the way I like to look at my physical training is summarised in the quotes below.

"Strength is not a data point; it's not a number. It's an attitude." - Simple and Sinister

"Strong men have strong legs, lungs and mind." - Jim Wendler

Training is a lot more than the physical differences you see in the strength and composition of your body. It facilitates a strong and healthy mind. As Jeff Sokol would say "Strength Cures". If you don't know who Jeff Sokol is listen to this podcast

Jeff Sokol - Building Durability & Strength

He went through a very dark period in his life and managed to come out the other side with the help of kettlebell training and is now a strongfirst team leader.

I'm sure with the support of those around you, you're mental wellbeing will improve, good luck!
 
Hey Harry. It takes a lot of courage to look inside. The second century priest, Saint Irenaeus, has this quote: "The glory of God is a human being fully alive." It's too easy to live completely north of the neck and never check in with what's going on in the heart. IMO, doing that is one of the purest forms of prayer there is.

My wife's a pyschologist, and my best friend is a therapist, so mental health conversations are really familiar to me. :) Keep doing what you're doing. It can be hard, but it's good work, and it's going to set a foundation for you that you'll appreciate for the rest of your life!
 
Hey Harry,
Very brave and courageous post. It's a positive move to actually post about this. In N Ireland there's a lot of work being done to highlight mental health issues and how a lot of young men have difficulties in this area. You are on the right path and I'm sure it will lead to a better place. You have a great interest in sport/physical activity so this might be an option to explore, I work as a teacher and like every job there are good days and bad but it's good to work in area that you are interested in.
P.S I would strongly recommend reading Geoff Thompson's work. He did an amazing podcast with Strength Matters that deals with all of these issues. An amazing guy.
The Strength Matters Podcast by Strength Matters: Interviewing the leading stars of health & fitness; Dan John, Perry Nickelston, Ben Coomber & Much Much More. on iTunes
Take a look at his TED Talk.
Stay Strong buddy
 
How did it all pan out Harry ?

Did you make any big life changing decisions ?

I don't like to make any important decisions in an extreme up or down cycle (which we all get sometimes) I find my best decisions are formulated when I'm mid line and at my most objective. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut though.
 
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