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Other/Mixed Everything sucks. I quit.

Other strength modalities (e.g., Clubs), mixed strength modalities (e.g., combined kettlebell and barbell), other goals (flexibility)
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danliftweightgood

danliftweightgood

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This is a big "Thank You" card with a story. And here's the story:


I can't remember where I read this, but Pavel said something like "When short on time, train grip and abs." But before I go any further, I have a joke for you:


"So a guy walks into an SFG Level 1 Certification with a terrible attitude and believing that he is woefully unprepared, and that failure is inevitable. Three days pass, and the same guy walks out of that same SFG Level 1 Certification as a certified instructor with a big, stupid smile on his face and a StrongFirst t-shirt on his torso."


Get it? Neither do I! But I think it's hilarious.


A bit about me: My attitude is terrible. If I were running for President this year, my slogan would be "Who cares, everything is horrible." However, it is a driving force. I treat victory as a sort of spite, and failure as something inevitable (How am I still single?). But I think all of that changed this weekend.


For me, kettlebell training started 2 years ago. I made very, very quick progress: 200 32KG 1ASW's in 10 minutes no problem; Complexes with double 32KGs; A beast TGU. That was 2014. 2015 rolls around, and everything goes to hell. I start jacking up my lower back on the regular; so bad that I can't finish a snatch test. I can't even get in 100 swings with a 24KG. Sometimes, somehow, I'd find a way to get my glutes back into the game, make a little progress, but then it'd happen again. Back to the suck. And then my shoulders joined my back. Sore. Ow. All jacked up. And my Terrible Attitude Ego chanting, "See? All that progress for nothing. You can't even hit a rep without looking like a drunken mudskipper. Nice level 1 prep, Sisyphus." And that was my year. Failure & Frustration.


So the clock hits 2016. My cert is in 2 months. It is as plain as Protestantism that this training is not working. At this point, I'm fed up with kettlebells. The hell with them. Maybe they aren't for me. So I stop. Entirely. I have 60 days to get un-hurt and un-miserable. I'm going to this ***king cert, even if it's just to hate every minute of it. I want those 3 days to either save the kettlebell for me, or condemn them permanently. "NO REFUNDS" is a fantastic motivator. If I could have gotten my money back, I am positive I wouldn't have gone. Absolutely Positive.


Whatever. ***k it. Let's make this interesting. Training-for-Kettlebell-Training-without-Training-with-Kettlebells (What a catchy name for a book!) What's my biggest concern for this cert? The snatch test. What about it? Grip failure. Bell flying. A Master Instructor beating me over the head with a clipboard. Solution: Train grip. Easiest way? Grippy Thingies. To amazon! Rushed delivery. My 3 Captains of Crush crushers arrived in 2 days. Meet Mr. Sport, Mr. Trainer, and Senoir Nombre Uno.


Next! What's my biggest weakness? Core strength. By far. My Pavelizer has sat neglected in corner of my apartment for months. It'll clean up my lower back issues, and add a little something for the ladies to look at. I should have been doing this daily to begin with. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are...right? God, I hate admitting it when a liberal is right.


Lastly! I need one more exercise for this regimen. I like trinities - Holy or "Other". So what is the most intense, full-body, psychologically intimidating movement I've come across? What's the big suck? And, more importantly, what is something I really, really want to master...for no other reason than, "Damn, look what I can do!"? Easy. Pistol squat. Might as well start training for the bodyweight cert if I'm such a god-awful bell swinger.


My regimen was stupid simple:

5 rounds:

Pistol 1+1

Pavelizer 5

CoC 5+5


I would do one round. Stop. Play 10 minutes of Destiny (a soul-sucking Xbox game), and then repeat. I don't need to waste precious video game time just because I'm training to fail a cert. Err...I'll at least make some serious progress on my Warlock class. He never whines about back soreness. He just shoots lightening bolts from his fingers and floats around in the air. Bet he could nail a snatch test. You gotta train if you want to defeat Oryx - the King of the Hive scourge. And hey, my CoC has really upped my button pushing abilities!


So that's my strength plan. But what else can I do? Where do I go when my body sucks? Why, Dr. Scott DC, CCEP, CGFI, ART Full Body Certified - just outside of Pittsburgh. If you're in Pitt, you owe it to yourself to see this man. He says my shoulder mobility sucks. Homework is band strengthening, couch stretch, box stretch. 5 sets of 5. Who else do I know? Sean Cerqua at Pittsburgh Kettlebell & Performance. He's a GS guy, but he's a master of the art of mobility torture. He's brought me to tears more than once with the art of external rotation. I get in 3 sessions with him. Now, who else? Who do you know that can spot-check everything Hard Style in a couple hours? Andrey Patenko, SFG 2, RKC 2, Systema Instructor, Russian Special Forces of Badassery. I hop in the car and head to the Philadelphia suburbs for 2 hours of form evaluation. Let me say this. I am not small. I am not week. I am not timid. I enjoy giving and receiving punches in some sick, sadistic manner. But. When in the presence of a Slavic Gentleman such as Andrey, I'm acutely aware of how easily this man can kill me, gut me, and then serve Dan Flavored Meatloaf for that evening's dinner. My point: A certain kind of discipline comes from training with someone like that. You are very, very grateful that his strengths and abilities are on our side. Appreciate it. Learn from it.


There, done. Rehab. Form check. Minimalist strength program that won't hurt me. Plenty of Warlock time. NO REFUND policy. I'm ready to fail with my best effort.
 
First day at the Ashburn, VA Level 1 StrongFirst Girya Certificaiton. This ain't no stinkin' user course. I weigh in at 200.3 LBS. Ha! What? I've never been this lean in my life. My doctor's appointment in January had be at 210. My Terrible Attitude is telling me, "One or both of those scales is wrong! There's no way you're in shape!" But then that voice shut-up. I know I'd done something right to hit that type of number whilst doing significantly less volume and next to no kettlebell training. If these guys are any good at coaching, and if they clean up my ***t swings, then maybe I have a shot. But let's fail anyway, just to be safe.


During those 3 days, the coaching was, well, perfect. There is no other word to describe the quality. I couldn't think of a bad thing - or even a single point of criticism - to say about Master SFG Phil Scarito and his Crew. Everyone on that team was attentive 100% of the time, instantly & patiently correcting mistakes in every way, shape, and form. I think we were all motivated simply by their own motivation. 24 hours of training flew by. Боже мой! They're actually doing it! They're actually teaching me how to not suck!



But I was still counting on failure come test day. That's what I'd trained for, right? Trained to fail? Swings first - "My head is bobbing. I'm breaking my hips too early. My lat isn't packed." Turkish Getup time - "Shoulder isn't packed. Poor roll-to-elbow. Banged my knee." Clean and Squat - "Casted the bell. Not parallel. Tucked at bottom." The Press - "WRONG". And finally, the Snatch - "Those were terrible. Apologize to the kettlebell, and go home." I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed. Why haven't they called me back? What were they writing down?! I suck! I failed! I failed!


Snatch test time! The last thing I get to ***k up. I plan on doing 10+10 on the minute. It can't be that easy. The clock starts, and I bang out 20 reps in 40 secs. "That wasn't that bad!" Minute 2 starts, 20 reps, 40 seconds. "I might actually pass this." Minute 3. 20 swings, 40 seconds. "Holy ***k that was hard." Minute 4. No memory of this round at all. 20 swings, 40 seconds...maybe. Minute 5. Pure adrenaline. 20 swings, 50 seconds. Kettlebell placed silently on the ground. I take two steps, drop to the ground, and dry-heave. I didn't have breakfast, so nothing comes up. I stand up a second later and stay moving - restorative breathing kicking in. Fist bumps for the guys and girls in my bracket. All of us nailed it. But, somehow, I must have failed. Maybe I didn't hear the "No Count!" Maybe my form was so god-awful that the assistant just stopped counting altogether and wrote a big "WRONG" on my grading sheet. There is no way I just passed this cert with nothing but some physical therapy, a grip strengthener, a strange contraption made of metal tube piping and foam, and an exercise I did just because it looked cool. There is noooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy I passed.


Grad workout time. What's the point? I'm not going to pass. But then again, screw it. At least get a sweat in, right? A $1,600 workout. The instructors put us through round after round of double cleans, 1+1 presses, and front squats. The bells come flying up in my hands. My hook grip feels like iron. My back feels great. My glutes are firing. My abs are solid. My attitude is, somehow, better.
 
And now comes the final interview. The grand finally. I'm pacing up and down the gym, breathing, rolling my shoulders out. I think I waited 20 minutes. The second-to-last one called. Master Scarito and his group looks up at me and says "Good job this weekend." Liar! "You passed." Liar!!!!! "Just one thing - take your time on your getups." He hands me the grading sheet. I look it over front to back, up and down. The "Take your time on the getups" was the only thing written on it. I can only imagine the look on my face. First, I shake everyone's hand. Then, I give everyone a big hug, and thanked them repeatedly as if they were benevolent kings granting me pardon from the chopping block. I'm fairly sure I pranced over to the table to get my certification and t-shirt, with the biggest, stupidest, ***t-eating grin that my face could fit. The excitement was so great that I considered running laps around the building just to calm down.


But instead, I make sure I talk to everyone on my team who failed testing. I'm 100% sure all of them will retest within a month and nail it. I tell them that. I tell some of them about my 2 years of training for this cert, and how most of it was filled with setbacks & frustration. I'd be nowhere without my failures. This moment and this certificate wouldn't mean a thing to me without the training disaster that was 2015. And it will feel the same to them within 90 days.


One of the guys on my team suggested that I write this little story up and post it here. I put the train-grip-and-core to the test, and it worked! Holy ***t. He's right! It worked! Like a complete schmuck, I completely forget that guy's name. But if you're reading this, thanks! And remember to breathe on that hinge!! You got this.


So there it is. Thank you Dr. Scott, Andrey, and Sean for keeping my body functional. Thank you Master Scarito and Team for that experience and such a standard of excellence held by every instructor there. You have taught me as much about strength of mind as you have about strength of body.


And thank you Pavel, for that single training tip and the NO REFUNDS policy!




-Dan Byrnes, SFG 1
 
I just did my cert the previous weekend. Great time! You had Colin and @James Sjostrom with you there so I am sure it was fantastic. The coaching from SF is of the highest quality!!
 
Taking mine in August, pretty nervous and also have a brain wired to be inherently negative.

This speaks to me.
 
i like a bit of pessimistic optimism, or is it optimistic pessimism, I'm not sure. Always thought positive thinking was very over rated!! Congratulations and thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. Think negative, it's the new positive....a great yarn, thank you.
 
Wow! This makes me feel pretty boring.. Pure.. stubborn.. will.., sprinkled in some 'embrace the suck', that was all I had to get through it.

Guess I won't be selling any books with my story ROFL

Congrats Dan!
 
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